No Substitutions Allowed


Jo has a group with the same title as her Facebook page with the addendum of “The Secret Shenanigans” and I was in there Sunday morning and happened across a post by Laura Watson that had the first picture in THIS post as its topic.  It made me LMAO and it also gave me the idea to explore what we, both men and women, will do to try to make ourselves more appealing to the opposite sex. (Or the same sex, whatever blows your dress up is fine by me.)

man bra

Kramer Should Have Expanded His Idea

I know one thing, and that’s if I happened to be, at a night’s end of probably heavy drinking, and several moments of being brain dead, in the same room, bedroom probably, with a guy that was wearing one of these, he had damn well better take it off in the bathroom and stash it in the linen closet.  I don’t think that would ever happen though because even when I’ve been totally shitfaced, I don’t think my inner loserdar has ever been so out of whack not to have picked up on someone who has to be very shallow to want to rely on such a gross misrepresentation of reality to either trick someone or feel better about themselves.  If he didn’t lose it in the bathroom and actually started to undress in front of me I’d absolutely lose it laughing.  His true colors would probably come shining through then and I’m thinking they’d be red.  Ted Bundy Red.  Let me give you a tip here guys.  Say charming shit. Open a car door. Buy a dinner. Women love that kind of stuff.

falsies

What I Feel Is Not What I Hoped To Feel

Don’t think I’m here to pick on the guys alone.  I’m an equal opportunity flamer.  As you can tell by this vintage picture, women have been practicing endowment enhancement for quite some time now.  NOW though if they really want to stack the odds they can have implants.  That’s still cheating but at least when someone goes to grab a handful they’ll actually come back with some flesh rather than nothing or a hole in their hands.  Seriously! Check those out far right back row- bless their pointy little nips.

wig and toupee

Only Their Hairdresser Knows For Sure?

Reaching out to stroke someone’s hair and having it slide off to the side under your hand isn’t sexy at all.  People put way too much emphasis on how they look rather than the way they act or treat others. Look at that guy; I bet he’s just as sexy as hell without that rug, or rich maybe, and Cher, HONEY, you are not young anymore and you were never that good looking to begin with.  Give it a rest.

tan face

Coppertone Fail

I am absolutely rolling over this.  I will be the first to admit that a nice tan is eye appealing, I used to live in a bikini during the summer, but the tinted lotions all look fake after applied and what the hell this chick thought she was doing other than trying out for a clown college somewhere is beyond me.  I’d rather wear a mask and pretend to be delusional and say I thought it was Halloween.  Oh wait- she doesn’t need a mask for that excuse.  I know, I know, you guys are already hunting for a bag.  I can hear your thoughts though you are just now reading and they’re saying…  TITS.

clockworkorangecostume

The Cruelest Tease

Of course it’s obvious that these actors in Stanley Kubrick’s classic, “A Clockwork Orange” are wearing codpieces but what about guys that actually wear something like this UNDER their pants or jeans and you walk into the bar, (I’m channeling Sissy here from a scene in Urban Cowboy) and you see this good looking guy leaning back on the bar, pelvis thrust forward and you immediately fall in lust. What a damn shame to find out 12 beers and a half an hour of heavy petting later that he brought along an extra pair of socks.  SMH. This has got to be the cruelest thing ever guys.  If you’re not handsomely endowed in the nether regions, never forget, you have a tongue.

cash in a pocket

Money Can’t Buy Me Love

Everybody seems to think that this is the all-time hands down way to win friends and influence people.  If you’ve got the cash, anything goes.  And while it’s true that money can buy you a lot of things, it will never buy you things that you have to earn.  Like trust, friendship, love and admiration.  That is unless you’re a gold digger or a gigolo and you DO only want to skim the surface of life and remain an unsavory inkblot on the Rorschach test  of humanity.  Aw hell, who am I kidding?  If they’ve got the bucks, you’re in luck!  You might even be more fortunate and find somebody who doesn’t live under a bridge that has decent looks and a good personality too.  Watch out for that good personality recommendation though if coming from friends, it usually means he’s/she’s a dog.  Arf Arf!

What makes the opposite sex or whomever it is that you’re looking for attractive to YOU?  What do you think are the best qualities to have to be attractive to another person?  Jo and I are waiting to hear!

(Thanks again Laura for sparking this idea. )


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